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how bold one gets...

"How bold one gets when one is sure of being loved." - Sigmund Freud

This quote makes me cry every time I see it. I wanted to be loved for so long by someone who couldn’t love me. I lived in a world of “no” and “can’t” that others had imposed on me and I let it stop me from taking care of myself— I also didn't take care of what was going on in my own head. My "life" fell apart when I was 34, and I had to figure out how to start over and do better the second time around. It was an opportunity, and here is how it happened for me.

Love Thyself

There were glimmers now and then of the person I was before I had settled for my life, but it took awhile before I was ready to be broken and shown the life I was meant to have. When I was finally dealt my greatest blow, I was cracked out of that shell of my falseness. I finally had impetus to learn to love myself. I started to choose love more often and accept love from others more often, and I embarked on my self-prescribed “Year of Yes” in which I made the promise to say "yes" to every opportunity (more on that another time, because that got weird and it deserves its own post).

Love Others

Through this process, I learned to choose love and appreciate all of its forms. I became more accepting of others and felt more acceptance from the world for me. I also made more time for the people who had shown me unconditional love and support before my shell cracked, and they in turn nurtured me in my process. I turned the energy I would have otherwise invested in my own sadness, grief, and hopelessness into helping and loving others.

Welcome Change

I took a new approach-- I pared back and checked out of toxic relationships, and I invested however and whatever I could in self love and care for my circle of good people. Something amazing happened-- I felt free and excited for life. I lost my codependent tendencies and embraced being alone. I started seeing everything for what it was without attachment or distraction. I stopped wanting. I stopped wanting!!!

Be the Change

Once I was sure I was loved, I started taking risks. I met a man who accepted me for who I was, and to be honest, it didn't matter anymore, because I already accepted myself! We began a relationship of choosing one another instead of needing one another, and it took away all the pressure. We were honest and forthright with one another about every.single.thing and guess what? No one got butt hurt or upset.

I know how fortunate we both were in this. We crashed into one another at times in our lives that we both endured having our asses handed to us repeatedly until we finally saw we had to make a choice between ego and happiness. We were forced to better ourselves so we could stop repeating our negative cycles. Neither of us had any interest in wasting any time on something that wasn't real and honest.

I can tell you now that up until I was faced with the fact that I had been living a lie for nearly ten years, I considered myself a very honest person. I was honest on the surface but I was hiding so much of myself and my truth. I now know I never want to go back to that way of operating. I have gained more than I have lost (and I consider it a blessing to have lost the things/people/ideas I did) by being honest. I don't think I would have ever been bold enough to live this life if it weren't for the love I received and reciprocated during that time. I will forever be grateful for those who walked that portion of my journey with me.

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